According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Goat cheese is for herders.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.