*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.