My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd