The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.