Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.