Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
asking santa clause for nudes
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds