Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”