My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.