When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.