my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.