His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.