I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma