Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.