My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope