I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first