I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?