I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
