My wife has the worst taste in men.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.