I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.