Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.