I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack