My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.