Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
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– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?