Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.