The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil