I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.