her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!