I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*