PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?