That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
I’m so full I could puke a horse
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress