[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.