The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.