Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’