Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it