I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist