My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you