pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible