Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.