Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.