People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse