*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
