Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.