My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.