Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero