I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.