Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear