My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on