Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going