I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?