Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn