Sorry I brought an air horn to your colonoscopy.
I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.
Emojis are fun for when you want to express emotions using disembodied heads.
If I was a chef I’d be chefboyaredont.
Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.
However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.
The invention of fish in the early 1900’s was the best thing to ever happen to the tartar sauce industry.
Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat out is Wendy’s.
The fact that we don’t hear the words “free quote” and burst into laughter always amazes me. You aren’t going to charge me to tell me what you’ll charge me? Calm down, Karl Marx.
I’m ready for another solo vacation across the pond. My wallet however says I’m not ready.
Tuesday
It’s October 8th and we’ve already purchased Halloween costumes for both kids. If they actually end up wearing them, I’m giving each of you a king size snickers.
“SAY IT.”
“I’m a dirty little plant.”
“And what do you want?”
“I want you to water me.”
“I’m gonna water you so hard.”
“That’s how I like it.”
You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it swim
In 1978 my grandad tried to get a petition going to change the name of orcas to ‘seabras’ so the government made it illegal for him to ever talk about animals again.